Finding the Happy when Mother’s Day Hurts

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Mother’s Day can be hard - to see, to celebrate, or even to just get through - for many women, and for many reasons. This Mother’s Day, three women share their stories and what helps them get through this - and other - difficult days.


Leaning on Faith


“I lost my mother 16 years ago, after graduating from my University. I suppressed the pain of losing her by trying to forget her birthday and Mother's Day. Now, I'm a mother to two beautiful children and I wake up everyday thankful to be able to rear them with my husband. I put forth the effort to eat well and exercise 3 times a week. I am more comfortable now talking about my mother and showing her photos to my children after experiencing depression for a few months following her passing. I have grown stronger in my faith in God overtime after being saved when I met my husband. God has been with me along and helped me in the healing process. My husband also loss his father in his 20s due to health issues, so we bonded well from the beginning and hold each other accountable for eating and living well.” ~ Ekere E. Olojola


Going & Growing Through It


I grew up in the Bronx as an only child to both of my parents. My mother left my father when I was 5. My mother always worked and provided for me materialistically and most times showing up where it counted for school and special occasions, however the emotional & nurturing instinct was not there. We moved in with my maternal great-grandmother and lived there until she passed away when I was 13. We did the typical things- going to the circus, the movies- but I don't remember that emotional connection being there. The things that were crucial to my development as a young lady that I wished I had learned from mother were taught to me by my great-grandmother, and my maternal grandparents who I spent a lot of time with. I owe a huge piece of who I am to them all. 

How did that affect your development as a (young) woman? 

Often times I endured physical abuse, but it was more emotional and verbal. As a young girl my esteem was very low, despite always being well kept on the outside with nice clothes, hairstyles and the latest sneakers; the inside was broken.  I questioned if my family knew what my home life was like and if they chose to turn a blind eye. They knew her better than me, longer than me, so they had to know something- why didn't anyone else question?! Experiencing that many emotions affected me academically & socially and made me long to be around my father more. My father was present in my life but wasn't exactly able to care for me since he was dealing with addiction; coincidentally enough, even with that, he still offered emotional stability.

As I became a young woman, the darkest and lowest moments in my life have been the result of my mother's doing- feeling embarrassment, experiencing homelessness, and being shamed- and the trauma affected me as a woman. I developed self-worth & trust issues, not knowing who and when to trust.

If you can't trust your mother how could you trust a stranger?

I'll never forget one conversation with my mother after my father passed away when she said to me "Well he was the one who wanted to have you, not me." I thought, Wow!! As a mother myself I couldn't even fathom saying something so hurtful to my daughters, but then it clicked to me, part of the pain and suffering I had been subjected to was because it wasn't in her life plan to be a mother. I thought that answered some of my questions as to why she was the way she was, but it didn't! That was 20 years ago, and it still affects me to this very day. For as long as I have grieved my father, I have grieved never having a true relationship with my mother.

What is your relationship with your mother like now?  

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Unfortunately the older I have gotten, the ties that bind appear to be more broken. It's hard to have a healthy relationship when the other person does not acknowledge or feel that they have done anything. I have communicated my feelings to my mother, she has blatantly said she doesn't care and there has never been any apology. That is something that I am still trying to find peace with , knowing that I may never receive acknowledgement of that hurt. She is my only living parent so of course I would like for us to have a better relationship. I have tried over and over again to have that relationship, but it is also not the story that was written for me. However, I have been fortunate enough in my life to have had a tribe of women who have been what I needed and I am forever grateful for them! 

How are you working to change/break the cycle with your own daughters? 

By being for them what I needed. I use the example of who my grandmothers were as my blueprint, what they instilled in me, what they showed and taught me. My daughters don't have the pleasure of experiencing a grandmother's love because there is no relationship with my mother and it's heartbreaking but the cycle stops there. I had to make sure that I healed those areas in my life in order to do that.

your message to the women or girls who have difficult relationships with their mothers? 

I want them to know that it isn't their fault. I won't say that it's easy to come to terms with not having the "ideal" mother daughter relationship, because who wouldn't want that, right? It's difficult to imagine that your parent is incapable of loving you or doesn't have your best interest at heart. Take your time to deal with your emotions and heal. Never let anyone tell you to just "get over it" or "let it go" - those are your terms. 

I would like to dedicate this to my aunt/godmother Doris Gramby who we  recently lost on April 25th, she was an essential part of my life and I could never have gotten through a lot of those times without her love and support. She will FOREVER be in my heart! ~ Jovana Gilkes


Standing in the Gap

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Last year marked my first Mother’s Day as a foster parent. It’s a strange thing to be celebrated for being a mother to a child who is not your own. A child that is your family, who has parents who are still alive and known and present - if only on the margins. A child who is in your care, a child who is your responsibility, but only temporarily.

I don’t feel like a mother, although I occupy that role. I make motherly sacrifices and decisions and considerations, but I am not called ‘mother’ by the child who already has one.

So on Mother’s Day, I say thank you for the cards and flowers, and texts and well-wishes, but if I’m being honest, it’s always a little bittersweet.


for daughters without mothers,
for mothers who have lost a child,
for daughters who have difficult relationships with their mothers,
for daughters who carry their mothers’ shame

for childless women who want to be mothers,
for women who have miscarried,
for women who have aborted,
for women reflecting on choosing to be childless,

for women who do not know their mothers,
for daughters whose mothers can’t remember their names,
for women mothering the children of others,
for women raised by women who were not their mother,
for women who’ve lost custody of their children,
for women whose mothers are incarcerated,
for women who are being celebrated as mothers who are still mourning the loss of their own…

We hope you find the some Happy on Mother’s Day- even if for a moment- even if it mostly hurts.

Arcynta Ali2 Comments